So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too