Monica just destroyed the internet
Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
You forgot to practice
We miss you
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.