I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
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Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
According to math, I’m broke
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.