Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

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wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall

me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!


(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast


DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that


*interrupts your baby’s first words*


Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you


It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.


I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial


If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.


I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary