Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.