@DomesticGoddss

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

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@captainkalvis

wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall

me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!

@truegritrumble

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

@rockymomax

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

@ibid78

*interrupts your baby’s first words*
“IF A PANDA WEARS A HANDKERCHIEF IT’S CALLED A PANDANA.”

@stevevsninjas

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

@PeachCoffin

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

@evacide

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

@dreamthievin

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

@Brentweets

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

@dugglebutt

I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary