Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.