@TheBoydP

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

You Might Also Like

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

@kbnoswag

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

@ConanOBrien

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

@bridger_w

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

@brandonleecool

Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”calamitygina”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3500139565/481993e5347fcad3e98d66cc4c9f4ded_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”222056070812676097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:135:”Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@iLikeCatShirts

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

@dulcetry

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

@Karate_Horse

OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.