Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
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Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
shit, they caught us—run!!!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.