“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
🤣😂🤣
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”