@BuckyIsotope

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

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@TarekJan

Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.

@karanbirtinna

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

@roastmalone_

Why do high school reunions still exist? Everything I need to know about who peaked in high school is on social media

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

@mommajessiec

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

@megfraser

HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished

@Ditchful

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

@LeBearGirdle

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

@TrophyWifeDayna

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.