Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
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Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Why do high school reunions still exist? Everything I need to know about who peaked in high school is on social media
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished
adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.