I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
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[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?