the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
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Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.
me: are you checking me out
Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?