Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Last-minute gift idea!
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Cardio Made Easy
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry