@AnOrangeSNES

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

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@stanleybehrman

Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.

@mattgallo123

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

@TriciaLockwood

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

@tweetsvisual

This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.

@ThePocketJustin

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?