Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

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I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.


The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.


I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.


Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.


Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.


Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?


Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs


Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.


Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings