Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
and now we wait
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?