who named him groot and not spruce lee
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classic mixup
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive