@SteveKoehler22

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

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@nihilist_arbys

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

@JohnLyonTweets

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

@Cpin42

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

@iRowlf

I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.

@FoTweetsSake

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

@dksc4life

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

@fusedude

I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.

@dshack8

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

@Vodkantots

“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”

@StellaGMaddox

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”