Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
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oh you like architecture? name three walls
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers