Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
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date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I see your IQ test came back negative
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17