Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
You Might Also Like
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
doing your own taxes
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy