@BringDaNoyz

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

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@rachelle_mandik

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

@faungirl123

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

@Pro_Jones_

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

@karlainvt

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

@ThatBrenna

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

@dazedandsincere

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there