the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
getting animal crossing for my mom is the best thing i’ve ever done
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there