Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Just as the prophecy foretold
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.