Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I’m too nice of a person to tell you I’m surprised you got laid in the first place.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*
Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-
Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently “Kindergarten” wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that’s how I ended up in jail
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats