@junejuly12

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

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@MaryannSaintM

Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I’m too nice of a person to tell you I’m surprised you got laid in the first place.

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*

Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-

Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy

@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

@jimmytorosian

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

@TheTweetOfGod

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

@chamashouse

When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently “Kindergarten” wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

@spacej_me

Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that’s how I ended up in jail

@rockymomax

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats