Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

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-Come on, it’s time to go


-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!


[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her


“Bro she’s a cold digger”
[later with gf]
Do you only want me for my germs?
[she stops licking my face]
Why would you ask that?


me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry


my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it


her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i only listen to blink-182?

her: no it’s because you spent all our money opening a bar that only plays blink-182 and you gave it a stupid name

me: [under breath] what’s stupid about drink-182


Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.