-Come on, it’s time to go
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“Bro she’s a cold digger”
[later with gf]
Do you only want me for my germs?
[she stops licking my face]
Why would you ask that?
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i only listen to blink-182?
her: no it’s because you spent all our money opening a bar that only plays blink-182 and you gave it a stupid name
me: [under breath] what’s stupid about drink-182
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.