@BritXNic

Who needs Karate lessons when you can just have a bee near your head?

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@Beer4AGoodTime

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

@Dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

@Underchilde

I just want someone to like me.

Not you. I meant someone pretty.

@Jay1972Jay

My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now.

I need a drink.

@brittwastaken

There’s only two ways to do things: the easy way or the way I’m actually going to end up doing it.