That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
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Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.