Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.