Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

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I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?


[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it


Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.


I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges


Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did


[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”


I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.


friend: we’re worried ur on drugs

salvador dali: why i’m not at all

friend: ur paintings dont make sense

dali: how does this fat elephant with tall skinny legs not make sense

friend: what

dali: can i borrow ten dollars


I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.


I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.