@mayamanion

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

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@abbycohenwl

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

@joejwest

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

@Mmelulu

Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.

@eslpaul

I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges

@chrissyteigen

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

@eliserose5

I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.

@randypaint

friend: we’re worried ur on drugs

salvador dali: why i’m not at all

friend: ur paintings dont make sense

dali: how does this fat elephant with tall skinny legs not make sense

friend: what

dali: can i borrow ten dollars

@sammyrhodes

I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.

@TheMichaelRock

I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.