I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢