“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…

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[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles


Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick


*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*


“I’d like to make a large cash deposit”

teller: ok, how much do you have?

“Wow can’t a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?”


Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes


Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.


It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”


Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)