I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
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I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Him: Baby are you mad?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.