@KaylaAncrum
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
@JessObsess
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
@ThisOneSayz
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
@Sanbel11
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
@daemonic3
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
@iAmDelFreaky
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
@Dil_Tron
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
@Cpin42
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
@curlycomedy
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
@NotKarma
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
@Peauxtassium