@Peauxtassium

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

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@KaylaAncrum

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

@JessObsess

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

@ThisOneSayz

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

@Sanbel11

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
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No, why?

@daemonic3

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

@iAmDelFreaky

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

@Dil_Tron

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

@Cpin42

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

@curlycomedy

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

@NotKarma

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.