@Peauxtassium

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

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@ScottLinnen

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

@captainkalvis

[hits blunt]

how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite

[hits it again]

ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus

@that1bish27

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

@Livsey1

If Private Ryan was Black…it would be called..”Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan.”

@rons_post

*opens instagram*

yep, everyone’s life is still better than mine

*closes instagram*

*opens twitter*

ah yes. my fellow trash bretheren.

@LeonEarlgrey

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

@CrackYouWhip

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.