Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
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I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location