Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
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Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady