Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
why I oughta
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.