Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
lol
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.