If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
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Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
*frowns in Scottish*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!