I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
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Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
It’s the weekend y’all