WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
You Might Also Like
Me in tagged photos
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes