Who says great literature is dead?
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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!