@StephenKing

Who says great literature is dead?

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@Smooheed

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

@3sunzzz

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

@Megatronic13

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah
STUD HORSE: Ah nice
PRAYING MANTIS: What the f–

@Henry_3000

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

@Dutch_50

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

@Flykins

regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes

@DaddyBeerGuy

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,