Who says great literature is dead?

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*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*


*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.


Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no


GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah


I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.


I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.


regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes


Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!


[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,