who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.