who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I’d hang this in my house.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.