@OrdinaryAlso

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

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@patnspankme

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

@ItsAndyRyan

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

@3sunzzz

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

@deloisivete

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

@stevezorz

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

@Toolie__xo

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

@BBQJones28

Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”