who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

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(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.


Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose


Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.


The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen


Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.


Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.


Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”