@C0unsel0rX

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

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@carlyken

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

@SeanEmeny

People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?

@DannyZuker

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

@KentWGraham

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

@bridger_w

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

@djdarrellripley

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

@TheBoydP

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”