[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”