@Will_daReal

who tf decided to call it “emotional baggage“ and not “griefcase” ???

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@ArfMeasures

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

@skickwriter

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

@AndrewsNotFunny

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

@OtherDanOBrien

[Computer has become self-aware]
Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator
Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY
Scientist 2: No, worse

@trojansauce

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball

@TuSoonShakur

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

@panmidwest

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

@TheAlexNevil

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

@robfee

If you’ve been unemployed for a while, update your resume to say youve been a Blockbuster manager for the last decade. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW!?