when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
You Might Also Like
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Boom, boom, ching!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
A friend helps you before you need it
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*