Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
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CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Spell check is for lasers.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon