I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Who the hell called them pot holes and not rodents?
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My car keeps doing that thing where I get in it and suddenly I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.