I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg