@KoKeniSasquatch

Who the hell called them pot holes and not rodents?

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@HatfieldAnne

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

@Pro_Jones_

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@nPhelendriqal

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

@mmyattmyatt

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

@ieatanddrink

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

@kngarou

My car keeps doing that thing where I get in it and suddenly I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru

@ericsshadow

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

@sagarcasm

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.