Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
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No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.