Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!