Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

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[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon


Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.


Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.


Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party


My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”


“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary


My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.


I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”


[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.