@mommajessiec *man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
@JKNenagh Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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@mommajessiec 
@sanbay Vanilla body wash…. smells amazing…. tastes like shit. Someone needs to figure that out.
@morninggloria Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs
@Gentlemenhood Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
@Michael1979 Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
@XplodingUnicorn Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
@ABurgerADay [tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
@david8hughes Drugs: expensive
Standing up in the bath real quick: free
@mymumps [covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
@WhaJoTalkinBout [I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.