Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know