@JKNenagh

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

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@PaperWash

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

@PaperWash

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

@TheToddWilliams

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@EndhooS

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@NewDadNotes

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

@daemonic3

chef: [yelling] I NEED LETTUCE

assistant: [from walk-in fridge] ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?

other chef (that survived the Titanic): oh no not again

@GensPlace

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

@o__0Dev

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.