@BuckyIsotope: *calls son at college* Pop quiz, son “Ok” What’s the opposite of a hot dog “Um…a cold cat?” Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

@lisaxy424: boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING? me: HAHAHA [later] cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING? me: literally never talk to me gary

@TheAlexNevil: All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@TheCatWhisprer: Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

@ddsmidt: Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper. Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone? *Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*