@PaperWash
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
@JKNenagh
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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@PaperWash
@Fallun_Angel
Teen for rent:
Knows everything, does nothing.
@PaperWash
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
@TheToddWilliams
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
@DamienFahey
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
@EndhooS
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
@NewDadNotes
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
@daemonic3
chef: [yelling] I NEED LETTUCE
assistant: [from walk-in fridge] ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?
other chef (that survived the Titanic): oh no not again
@GensPlace
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
@o__0Dev
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.