Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
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“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
HERE’S MARKY
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day