Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

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Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that


I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.


I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.


Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.


*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”


“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back


Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.


Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower


Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly