Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly