Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
A wise man once said nothing.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….