People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[Swims out to Sea]
*dolphins save me*
*dolphins ask for a tip
*they return me to the shark*
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese