Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

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People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times


Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location


[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*


*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*


VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year


So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.


My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro


Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman


[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home


wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese