“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
This week’s mood.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god