@Rollinintheseat

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

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@GimmieTheHam

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

@panmidwest

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

@Jerrypleasure

date: omg are you wearing a wig?
me: yeah you got a problem with it?
date: it’s not supposed to go on your elbow.

@McJesse

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

@brendohare

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

@JillianKarger

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.

@MommaUnfiltered

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

@SufficientCharm

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.