Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@doktorj

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

@kookiedelukey

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

@OrdinaryAlso

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

@FredTaming

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

@elonmusk

Wikigenius

@parhwy

“I want u so badly” – Scrabble players with a q in their rack.

@sofarrsogud

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

@SirEviscerate

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

@junejuly12

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win