The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Who were the kings of disco?
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DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
date: omg are you wearing a wig?
me: yeah you got a problem with it?
date: it’s not supposed to go on your elbow.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Dad: Want a donut?
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.