Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
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incredible
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.