Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Who were the kings of disco?
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Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
me: are you checking me out
“I want u so badly” – Scrabble players with a q in their rack.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Him: you always need to have the last word!
Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
Me: *whispers* I win