Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
waiting for halloween be like:
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’