who will stop them
You Might Also Like
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”