Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.