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Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”


She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.


I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.


No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.

-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.


divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭


Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*


ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.


The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted


Men used to slay dragons, and here I am shuffling around like a penguin with my pants around my ankles looking for extra toilet paper.