Whoa 😂
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.